


watch the city glow

by dingletragedy



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Bonfires, Family, Family Feels, Fireworks, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 20:35:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21326284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dingletragedy/pseuds/dingletragedy
Summary: The bonfire behind them crackles, pops of orange and red sparks dance against the dark sky, and Ben feels his heart dance right along with it.or, ben, callum, and lexi are enjoying the bonfire night celebrations until callum suffers a panic attack.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 17
Kudos: 151





	watch the city glow

**Author's Note:**

> ok i know i say this all the time but i REALLY hate this one lol - but there's only an hour or so left of bonfire night so this is going to have to do, i'm afraid. 
> 
> warnings: description of panic attacks, look after yourselves. Xx

Winter has already tucked its fingers under the door, the raspy chill thick and unwavering, demanding attention. And tonight is no excuse, there’s a blistering crisp masking the square this evening, families with red cold-bitten cheeks and children bundled up in coats and scarves.

The smell of burnt toffee and roasting chestnuts is almost overwhelming. The heat of the cracking bonfire and buckets of hot chocolate only homely. The buzz of laughter and happiness filling each crook an alley. 

“Bloody hell, it ain’t half cold tonight,” Ben says, cool breath of fog following his every move. 

“I told you Daddy!” Lexi exasperated from where she’s perched on Callum’s hip, little face tucked into his neck. “You need a hat like me and Cal.” 

“Y’know I’ve got a spare beanie or two at home, could you grab one for you?” Callum suggests. “Keep those tabs warm.” 

“Nah, I think I’ll survive,” Ben decides. “Besides, I’d never look as cute as you two monsters.” 

“We’ll, don’t blame us when you catch a cold, Daddy,” Lexi tells him with a very serious expression. 

“I wouldn’t dream of it, Madam.”

—-

The bonfire behind them crackles, pops of orange and red sparks dance against the dark sky, and Ben feels his heart dance right along with it. 

To his left, Callum and Lexi are soaking up the celebrations, cheeks prickled pink and sprinklers in hand. Lexi is spelling her name out in big loopy letters, eyes wide and dazed. Whilst Callum is attempting to draw love hearts, each in Ben’s direction. 

He’s got a stars in his eyes and a smile adorning his face that could conquer cities. And when Callum places a palm over the small of his back, pulling Ben close, sparklers having burnt down to nothingness, winter melts right away. 

“We should make this a tradition,” Callum decides. “Starting right now, continuing next year.”

“Yeah, I know what a tradition is, Callum. And who said we’ll still be together this time next year, hey?” Ben blurts out before he can bite his tongue. Some of the warmth filling up his chest dissipates, out through his skin and into the night air like it never existed. _Idiot._

Callum is a little stiff when he moves closer, pressed against Ben’s chest. “Uh - well, I was hoping we would be,” he confesses. “But it’s—I mean, if you don’t want that—.”

“Of course I do, you idiot.” Ben confirms, heart fluttering. 

“Yeah?” He looks up at Ben with white teeth biting down on his bottom lip, hesitant. He blinks, and the shadows his lashes cast on his cheeks look like tiny explosions. 

“Yeah, of course—” 

Callum cuts him off with a kiss. He wraps his arms around Ben’s neck and presses their cold lips together. Ben breathes some of that lost warmth back in. “Good,” Callum whispers, once he’s pulled back a little. But he’s still so close, can see the flecks of caramel in his eyes. _ Gorgeous _, Ben thinks. 

::

“Right, I’m freezing now,” Ben points out. “Wish they’d hurry up and get on with it.” 

“Well, we did warn you-“ 

“Shut up you,” Ben laughs, digs an elbow into Callum’s side and pulls him into another kiss. 

“Come here, then,” Callum says before opening his arms. Ben all but stumbles into his chest, Callum’s warmth immediately worms its way through the layers of fabric between them, all the way under Ben’s own coat, and he sticks his frozen, gloveless hands into Callum’s pockets.

He feels a little like he’s got fireworks trapped inside his chest, exploding into little shocks of happiness whenever Callum smooths his hand over Ben’s back.

The peace doesn’t last long, though. Never does when you have a seven year old. 

“I’d _ really _ love a hot chocolate, Daddy,” Lexi says with a shiny grin, nose bright pink from the chilly air, cheeks rosy.

“Hm, I don’t know baby…,” Lexi sighs, put-upon. She is definitely Ben’s child. “You’ll have to ask Callum nicely, it is _ his _ round.” 

“Please Cal!” Lexi says, eyelashes fluttering, grin not once wavering. “Pretty please?” 

“Go on then, munchkin,” Callum agrees almost immediately, helpless. “You’ll have to come help me though.”

::

  
The sky is alive with contrasting swirls of sharp blues and warm yellows suddenly, making for a gorgeous view. And everything is perfect, except it isn't because Callum and Lexi are stuck in the queue still.

Ben watches as the rocket bursts into a thousand sparks, a shower of brilliant reds and oranges and yellows. Another one follows immediately, and then another, but then there’s a small hand tugging at his own. It’s demanding, insistent.

“Woah, Lex,” he blinks against the bursting colours of the sky as she crashes against him, eyes wide. Ben brushes his fingers against her forehead, loosely tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ears.“What’s–”

“It’s Callum, Daddy,” she says thickly, little chin wobbling away in the wind. “Something - something’s wrong with him. He needs - needs you, Daddy. Quick!”

“Wait, wait darlin’,” Ben tries to soothe, although his voice cracks, and panic licks up his spine. “What do you mean? What’s wrong?”

“He’s - he can’t breathe, its gone all funny and,” she panics, words jumbled. “I don’t know what to do, Daddy.” 

And before Ben knows it, Lexi is pulling him frantically through the hoards of people. His heart is thudding painfully against his chest, panic curling up his veins and muddling everything together. He feels dizzy and sick, overwhe with the need to get to Callum. Lexi finally halts them by the bench, where Callum is sat hunched over, body shaking with fear, shadowed by the orange streetlight.

“Cal,” Ben whispers, reaching out for him. Callum grips his hand so tightly it hurts. He looks up at Ben with fear in his eyes, breathes raspy, chest heaving. 

“Sh, it’s okay,” Ben says. He brushes Callum’s loose hair back from his forehead, “I’m here now, yeah? You’re safe.”

“Ben,” Callum chokes out, words piercing against the sickly paleness of his face. His eyes are afraid, open and unsure. Ben only grips his hand tighter.

“Yeah, it’s me. Just breathe with me Cal, just breathe.”

And Callum tries. Ben can see that, but there’s pure, wild panic swirling in his eyes.

“Can’t,” he says, and his breathing picks up suddenly, panic-fast.

Ben is gentle when he takes Callum’s hand and he presses it against his chest, over his heart, and urges Callum to follow his breathing. 

“Breathe with me, alright? Copy me,” Ben says softly. “In and out, you’re alright. Calm down.”

“Trying,” He breathes, small. “Ben, can’t-”

“You can,” Ben emphasises. “Babe, I know you can.”

“Too loud-” His voice sounds breathy, rattly, like it hurts for him to speak, and Ben can see that his eyes are wet now, misty as he helps calm, a palm steady between his shoulders. 

“They’re just fireworks, Cal,” Ben reassures. “They’ll be over soon, yeah?” 

Callum nods jerkily, grip still tight around Ben’s hands. “Yeah. Yeah,” he says eventually, sucks in a deep breath, and Ben watches the shaky rise of his chest, the way his breathing seems to fall slowly back into place.

“I’m alright,” Callum breathes, though it’s obvious he’s anything but.  
  
Ben pushes him down onto the bench when he attempts to stand, crouches in front of him. “You back with me?” He asks, barely a whisper, because everything feels so delicate, the world fragile enough to break with only a single breath.  
  
Callum nods, hesitant and shy, but Ben will take it for now. He keeps his hand tucked in Ben’s squeezing tight. 

Ben can sense the press of people around them, and he’s sure Callum

can too, all nosing in to get the first look at the drama. Ben’s about the snap, tell the lot of them to just_ fuck off _, but Lexi is doing a decent job of straining them all down, hands on hips. 

“Come on, let’s get you home.”

::

  
  
“I’m sorry,” Callum says when they’re back home later that night, pulling the sleeves of his jumper down over his hands, leaving only the tips of his fingers peeking out. He uses them to pull at loose threads, fidgeting.

“What for?” Ben asks.

“Earlier, at the fireworks,” Callum explains, looks at Ben helplessly. "Ruined you night. And Lexi's." 

“Hey, you don’t have anything to be sorry for,” Ben says, tone soft. "Alright? You ain't ruined anything." 

Callum is silent for a minute, bottom lip pulled between his teeth. “I haven’t had one of those, y’know - a panic attack - in - in a while.”

Ben places a reassuring hand on his knee, gentle. He looks to Callum earnestly. “You can talk to me about it. About anything.”

“God, I’m so embarrassed,” is what Callum says instead. 

“Callum. Talk to me. _ Please _.

“It weren’t just the fireworks,” Callum starts, voice tight. “The noise, al that bangin’ - it’s, well, it's been a while, takes me back sometime.” 

Ben only just notices his hands shaking. Callum’s hurting, but he can’t pinpoint the exact source; the army - he understands that much, and the pain he never went through years ago, probably, all rippling angrily underneath his skin.

“That’s understandable, Cal.” 

“It’s—” Callum starts, breathing through his tears, blinking them away. “I can’t, Ben,” his voice shakes. Not tonight, not—not-“ 

“Sorry,” Ben starts, feeling guilty for pushing any more pain on Callum. “I didn’t mean to push you.” 

“No, it’s—it’s alright,” he lets out a watery breath and moves closer to Ben, moves into his open arms, buries into his embrace. “Thank you for everything,” he whispers into Ben’s neck, words hot against his skin.

“Hey,” he says, pulling away to look Callum in the eye. “I’m proud of you, yeah? No matter what. You’re so brave.”

Callum ducks his face away, lips against Ben neck. “‘M not.”

“Lies,” Ben whispers. His thumb brushes Callum’s eyebrow. Then, softer, distant, “Get some rest, you’re safe here.” They can talk in the morning. 

  


(Ben falls asleep with Callum's head in his lap, dreams of a winter full of warmth filling his head.) 

**Author's Note:**

> @dingletragedy on tumblr if you didn't hate it x


End file.
